Behind AYU

The personal story of Anonymously Yours, Unwrapped Coordinator. 

One more circle around the sun. Just one more chance to see you again, my friend. World is crashing down outside. I swear there’s no cure. I swear there’s no cure. 

And every time I try to heal myself. I remember then that there’s no cure. As the pain folds in on itself, for this time I know that there is no cure. 

David User and Ingrid St. Pierre – No Cure. 

I am seventeen years old. I sit in an old wooden back chair painted bright sunflower yellow. My feet are glued to the floor. My friend is crouching in front of me telling me to breathe. We are the only two people in an empty class room. Tears are streaming down my face. I am having an anxiety attack.

I am in my late twenties in my bachelor apartment in Montreal. I am sitting on the floor of the kitchen area, my back to the wall. I am crying, not soft tears but gasping sobs. Next to me is a knife. I want desperately to end it all right then and there, the depression is a force, crushing me. I somehow manage to put the knife way, get up, go to bed, and wake up the next day.

I know what it is like to be alone in a time of depression. I know what it is like to have someone beside you in a time of anxiety but being unable to express yourself fully.

I understand what it is like to have a mental illness. 

But I also understand that not everyone does. 

Over the past several years I have had some of the most amazing life experiences. I have travelled over seas and spent time living in Australia and New Zealand, as well as various cities across Canada. I have travelled through Europe and Thailand. I have had many conversations with complete strangers and there was one thing I noticed so very often.

As soon I mentioned my own struggles about mental illness, my struggle of depression, anxiety, and the confusion that has come with trying to build myself a life, the person on the other side of the table opened up to me, sharing with me their own life experiences.

I am a candid person, and I enjoy talking with people, connecting easily with people from various backgrounds.

In my conversations with people I have come across one consistent fact; we always feel so deeply alone in our time of need, scared to reach out to friends and family, because we are afraid that they won’t understand, reject us, turn us away, or think that we are overreacting, not understanding us or our mental illness.

In my personal years I have built a foundation of people I turn to in my time of need, however, that process was anything but easy.

It took several years of opening up to people, being rejected, and having to deal with the hurt and pain that followed with various forms of rejection.

Today I still struggle with my anxiety and my depression. I took the leap earlier this year (in 2017), to go on medication after several years of fighting a deep depression and getting to the point of suicidal thoughts. I don’t pretend to have all the answers.

I don’t want all the answers.

However, I feel like I am someone who has experienced a lot in my life and know that there is comfort in knowing, and understanding, that there is no cure in our mental illness. Yet there is comfort in knowing I don’t suffer alone. There are other stories, not just mine out there to be shared.

That is why I have created Anonymously Yours, Unwrapped. Because we shouldn’t alone in our time of suffering. We should be able to understand that there are others out there who suffer with us, and draw comfort from knowing we are not alone. Even when there is no cure, and the pain folds in on itself, we know we are not experiencing this alone.

Welcome again, to Anonymously Yours, Unwrapped.