When Grief becomes;
In 2005 I lost both my paternal grandmothers, and recently I lost my grandfather.
They were such important people in my life, and throughout my childhood, so when they past away I found myself slipping into a depressive state that was previously unknown to me.
I remember parts of the end stages of my grandmother’s life, vividly. I remember when I visited her in the hospital, when she had been released, and when the paramedics and some family members brought her home. Those were the moments I remember the most vividly, but the rest tended to be a blur. I remember singing to her, at her beside, and I remember the night she passed.
I was laying in my bed, everything was quiet and the hall light was still on. My mom walked into the room I was in, and carried me to my cousins house next door. Everything after that was a blur as I was in fourth grade at the time, but I remember the feeling sadness.
As for my Grandfather, I remember visiting him and my step grandmother before and during the times he was on dialysis. As time went on I could see how he was getting weaker and weaker, even before I knew to worry about him.
I was living in Austin, Texas by myself at the time, and I remember sitting in my chair in my apartment talking to him on the phone.
I consider those good moments, and good conversations, but I knew in my gut that his time was almost up and I grew more and more worried up until September 16th. A Saturday. That was the day my father called me to tell me that my grandfather had passed away.
The college program I was in at the time wouldn’t let me take any time off to grieve, and I still feel that I somehow predicted his death, but just not when, and that is something that will always bother me.
In my grief I went through the acceptance stage, but I skipped everything else, the denial, and the bargaining stages, because a part of me knew that it wouldn’t help me. You could say I am on my own path of grief. Feeling depression and struggling through.
The most difficult part of the journey has been the feeling of being numb.
But, my faith in God, my family, and my friends have helped through tough times, and even the grief. I don’t blame God at all for my Grandparents passing.
I have reached out for help and I tell others, no matter the cause of your depression or pain, to reach out, preserver, don’t give up and reach out for help.
I think someone can benefit from me sharing my experience, and by reaching out for help, even when it seems difficult. You can preserver, and you don’t need to give up.