My Shameful Emotions

Trigger Warning: Abortion. Miscarriage. Depression.

Continued from My Shameful Pain.

So you can understand, I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety for quite a few years. At my worst, I took a year off of school and moved back in with my parents to get my health in order. I went on several medications and eventually found one that worked well for me. Since then my mental health has been pretty good all around, aside from the odd low feeling day.

I am lucky that my husband was fully involved in all the decisions making that lead up to my TA, and that he was incredibly supportive. However, I think he had a hard time understanding how everything was affecting me because, understandably, he doesn’t know what it feels like to have all of this happening in your own body. Between the TA and my surgery our sex life was at a low, I think he felt unwanted and I had to explain to him quite a few times that the whole ordeal made me feel like I had no control of my body, sex was definitely the last thing on my mind.

Deciding to get a TA wasn’t something either of us wanted but we knew it was the smartest choice. My husband was only working part time, I was finishing my degree and about to start a new program. We were living in a house with several roommates, temporarily, until our finances were better.

We knew that it would be irresponsible to try to raise a child when we were both financially unstable. Both of us want to be able to plan ahead before having a child so we are ready. The first few weeks of my pregnancy I had been occasionally drinking and smoking, both of us were aware that damage may have already been done to the fetus.

It’s interesting to think that while I understood some of what was to come, all the complications that followed are so rare that I didn’t expect this to be such a long process. The TA itself went fine, and the nurses at the clinic were amazing. The aftermath of the TA leading up to the emergency room visit and surgery was much harder and overwhelming. I was constantly concerned about if the bleeding would ever stop, if my future fertility would be effected, etc.

You know, finding out I was pregnant was a pretty hard realization. I’ve always been very careful because I’m aware that an unexpected pregnancy would be emotionally traumatizing. I found experiencing the physical symptoms of pregnancy was very emotional, knowing that the pregnancy was unwanted and would eventually be terminated.

Although, after the TA I rebounded quickly and felt emotionally ok, but after the hospital visit everything changed. I felt very depressed and out of control of my body from the time of the hospital to the surgery. After the surgery and my recovery, I felt mentally much more stable.


Since writing this, I am no longer bleeding and got a report from my doctor saying my uterus is very healthy – it’s been a little over a month since surgery 🙂 the doctor also said they didn’t find an AVM in my uterus, what they though was an AVM was just some blood clots, which were removed.

As I mentioned, there was those thoughts about my future fertility and there was some concern that my fertility could be effected if I contracted any infection, and if the infection were to spread to my Fallopian tubes. But, after the final surgery I had no signs of infection, and since there was no AVM found in my uterus, the likelihood of me having any complications with future pregnancy is low.

You know, I feel great now. It’s still really hard when I think about the whole process, and I think I have an irrational fear of getting pregnant again, but I’m on a new birth control now which has been a much better fit for me

I’ve avoided telling anyone that wasn’t necessary because abortion is a touchy subject. Other than my husband, I told two of my closest friends and my mother. We agreed not to tell my father because he’s a big softie and the whole thing would probably overwhelm him and have him extremely worried. I eventually told my manager and the head nurse at my work (I work in healthcare), because on several occasions I had to miss work for a “medical emergency”.

I know that legally I had no obligation to tell them, but I’ve known them for years and are very understanding. Health care workers tend to be very non judgmental about such topics, and ultimately I’m glad I told them. My husband works with me, and my managers know him as well, they’ve been really supportive to the both of us.

In the end, the best advice I could give someone in a similar situation to mine, even someone just going through an unplanned pregnancy without the same medical complications I had, would be to tell someone. Talking about it with my husband, friends, and mother was the only thing that got me through this. Not everyone has a strong support system like I do, but even reaching out to some other resource, like a councilor or therapist, makes all the difference. Keeping all of this bottled up is too hard for one person to deal with.


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